Social Exile

On January the 19th I decided to disconnect myself from the social world. I turned off my phone, deleted my facebook and stopped opening Adium (my awesome IM app w/ a purple duck). My livejournal and blog stayed online because I used them to express myself rather than socialize. Immediately afterwards I felt a sense of serenity and focus. The isolation made me feel less jittery, more confident and way more productive. Suddenly I was churning out paintings and poetry, taking care of my finances, excercising and tutoring my younger brother.

This lasted until the 22nd when I turned on my phone and realized one of my best friends had called me. I called her back and we hung out and yet none of the traits that manifested themselves from the self-imposed social exile had left me. In fact after my 24 hr outing with her I felt even more energized and happy. So what was the problem? I realized that most of my close friendships are toxic. I only have two real friends that support me and care for my work and well being without trying to compete with me or bring me down. Ouch. I'm actively ignoring eight people who I identified as being the source of terrible negativity in my life. I'm still in contact with new/fringe friends (I had an evening out with an old acquaintace of mine and it was wonderful) and I guess eventually I'll reactivate my facebook and start answering my phone consistently but for now I'm gonna go the loner route and try to reassurt my sense of self.

The most important thing; This feels good.

Eat your veggies!

mmm....dinner at 1 am. So I've completely given up on having any semblance of regular sleep patterns. My family abhors this and claim that my late hours will garner a variety of illnesses such as cancer, insanity, stupidity and weight gain. However many things I've read that actually support their absurd sounding prophecies I've come to terms with the fact that I am just nocturnal. It's quieter. On that point I will soon be a fitter, healthier, me. I also hope that my recent weight loss has been due to my Wii rather than my muscles atrophying because of the sedation brought on by winter break.

In other news, I now have a livejournal, blog and an up and coming artist website. W00t! for being uber productive and not sitting on my ass and ONLY reading Harry Potter fanfics.

Ooops It's a Girl

When I was younger I thought like this; "Since I'm a girl I am expected to do X, Y, and Z. And act like so, so, and so. (my russian grandmother would always say "a girl shouldn't act like that..") Therefore, I should do my best to not do X, Y, Z and screw with so, so, and so." This was obviously counter-productive since although I wasn't conforming to what people told me I should be I also wasn't truely listening to what I wanted to do; rather only choosing the opposite of girl which isn't that great either.

So then I hit high school and I realize "Bloodyfuckinghell!! I like make-up and pretty things and romance BLAARGH!!!" (I was slightly vindicated by the fact that the guys around me liked those things too) I think I spent a lot of time wondering whether evil government operatives slipped something into the water to make me act so disgustingly *girlsh*. WORSE I had found a lot of literature saying I was genetically pre-disposed toward acting a certain way because I had female genitalia. I was doomed. Behind all of the 'women are just more empathetic and men are just more independent and agressive' I read 'just go and start planning your family NOW'. On the flip-side of that men were painted as emotionally-challenged sex starved pigs. That didn't seem right to me; Everyone wants sex, a lot, not just men.

So I pushed passed that and I came upon a whole bunch of other information disputing the whole mars and venus claim. By that time I was sick of questioning myself and thought "why the fuck are we still trying to write off our random virtues and faults on whether we have an innie or an outie?" MENTAL ANDROGYNY BABY!

So why do I feel ashamed and sordid when I expect a guy to pay for dinner, or am impressed by his ability to open pickle jars or long for him to protect me in someway? Femminism has taught me that I should take the reigns and never be dependent on my boyfriend/husband/father. But I shouldn't feel ashamed, I'm just not a very dominant person and I happen to be a woman. I hope the men in my life depend and rely on me too and nothing is taken for granted on either side because there's nothing we're supposed to do.

In light of this here's some interesting reading from Slate:

The Sex Difference Evangelists


AND

Divorce is Good For Women

First

Prepare to be smitten.

Or Not.

I'm new. Super New. Don't even know what to write in my first entry new. Be Gentle.

Or not.