Join Me For a Shot

This is my relationship with alcohol:

• Never on special occasions (those should be remembered not diluted)
• Never with people I don't trust (parties, acquaintances, people not in my top 5)
• Only hard liquor (vodka, stronger or nothing, beer tastes awful to me I might as well get a buzz quick with fewer calories)
• Usually no more than once every two months.

I've learned that if you tell people you don't drink they will make it their life's mission to get you drunk. Even if the bar is ridiculously expensive, even if you've drank with them before, even if the two of you are young females who will have to walk to the train through a dangerous neighborhood. Nowadays I don't tell anyone I'm trying to be straight-edge I just grab a beer and sip, leave my full bottle on a table somewhere and trade up for an empty one. I try to get some sugar in me cuz' I always act wonky on a sugar high and allow myself to be a bit more wobbly and affectionate than I usually am. Everybody's happy.

Don't get me wrong, I like doing shots. The smooth burn of vodka/tequila/w.e going down your throat and that tipsy feeling is pretty amazing but I'm a lush and if I don't have anybody to dance with or my boyfriend to rub up against I get depressed.

I have to point out that my mother is an alcoholic (more on this later) but I wanted to be straight edge years before her drinking became a problem. Maybe I smelled disaster but I think it has very little to do with her.

Inebriation is a mask that makes people feel like they're not accountable for their actions. Yes, sometimes it allows us to be vulnerable when we really need it but most of the time it's a veil that prevents us from interacting with each other in a genuine way. The thing that gets me is; why rely on liquid courage/confidence when we can find our own?

Some links on Alcohol and the Placebo effect:

Being Drunk is a Mind Trick

Understanding Alcohol Expectancy Effects: Revisiting the Placebo Condition

Just Thinking About Alcohol Makes People More Aggressive

6 Things Fanfic Taught Me (With Links!)

1. You can have more than one soulmate...simultaneously and it can still work out.

Living Proof White Collar: Peter/Neal, Peter/Elizabeth

2.“Reality isn’t always about proof, about what you can see and hear. Sometimes it’s about what you know. What you believe, what you choose to make real.”

The Birdwatcher Stargate Atlantis: Sheppard/McKay

3. There's television in the afterlife and your mum may be watching you have sex but it doesn't matter cuz' it's heartwarming and uplifting.

The White Road Harry Potter: Snape/Lily, Snape/Harry

4. History is written by the victors, but it's a lot more complicated than that.

Written By the Victors Stargate Atlantis: Sheppard/McKay and others

5. Magic can be found in the middle of nowhere in Arizona, but the well-adjusted need not look.

Snape: the Home Fries Nazi Happy Potter: Snape/Harry

6. When you've lost almost everything, you have to lose what's left to keep what you've got.

Named Supernatural: Dean/Castiel

There's much, much more but I've gotta go to sleep.

Finding Work w/a BFA and Almost Zero Experience

Yesterday, a full week after I finished my last class, I sat in front of the computer for eight hours sending out my resume, applying to various jobs and setting up profiles in Monster.com and LinkedIn. The amount of anxiety (and back pain) was ridiculous but I think I have a good start on things. Right now I want to make sure I have a steady job so that I'm not screwed when it comes time for me to pay back my student loans and I feel like if I can do that the rest will fall into place.

So far it's been overwhelmingly discouraging with the only offer being a group interview for a "Financial Service Representative" and I suck very badly at group interviews. The people who excel seem to be obnoxious and so very fake (then again I don't know who actually got hired).

Additionally people keep telling me to go to grad school as if spending an exorbitant amount of money as an undergrad on tuition weren't enough. I don't have the money to do this even if my grad school tuition (which is HIGHER than undergrad credits)were fully paid. I have to start paying back loans in 6 months. This is far too awkward to explain to peers and teachers but I haven't yet mastered the art of dropping the subject without seeming like a gigantic bitch.

I want to work somewhere special like at my school or at Papyrus or a poetry place, but I haven't gotten replies yet and being the completely impatient person that I am I'm completely freaking out.

Despite all this I will prevail and become a household art name (even if I have to work myself into the grave to do it)!